Conversations with Mama 2
After the initial cleansing process in the first ceremony, we had the day to relax and process our experience. Interestingly, other members of our group had almost no hallucinogenic experiences - only purging and discomfort.
I had a psychotherapy session with the Shaman where we unpacked some of what I ‘saw’, before explaining that tonight we would ‘go deeper’.
The process was the same: receiving the medicine one by one in the circle, light coming from a singular candle and then settling down onto the mattress to the sound of chanting and the rain outside.
Once again, after about 30 minutes the medicine kicked in.
This was not like the first time.
Almost immediately, it was obvious that this would be more intense. Unlike the last occasion, there is almost no memorable chronology to my experience. Reflecting on it, things that happened after the initial experience cannot follow a logical order as it felt like I went beyond time.
It began with the sensation of another portal opening; creatures looming over me and, without any perceptible effort, drawing me through into their realm. They had the bodies of mantises with an old school slinky for a head, though I could still feel their cognisance and gaze upon me. Looking at me like curious scientists, I felt my body - my being - split into multiple pieces that were then separately and simultaneously held in cubes, going from 3D to almost 10D.
I remember feeling as though I had become sub-quantum, like my body and mind had somehow changed to be able to access the space between atoms where all the natural rules of physics did not seem to apply.
I have experience with hallucinogenics, both from a personal growth and entertainment perspective. One thing I have always been able to hold during my trip is my awareness. The ability to recognise how, regardless of the intensity of my current experience, I have taken a substance that will change my view of reality and that it will, eventually, pass.
This awareness remained with the second Aya trip - until it didn’t.
Even when I felt like I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole or some deep space psychonaught traveling the landscape of consciousness, there was a part of me reserved aside observing the effect the medicine was having. Things became more and more intense and I remember saying to myself ‘Well, at least I still have my awareness.’
At this point, another creature that resembled a giant stick insect-spider thing looked at me and said, ‘Oh, this?’, before taking whatever represented this awareness in its claw-like hands, tearing it to shreds and throwing it away.
Well, I was really in it now.
My experience progressed in a way that was entirely non-linear; devoid of any recognisable semblance of reality and there were definitely points when, if I could think at all, I wondered if I would ever ‘make it back’.
I became nothing and no-one. Though this was in some ways terrifying, in these moments there almost wasn’t enough of ‘me’ to be properly scared. It was like a complete dismantling of everything I thought I was: body, mind and spirit. As a result, I felt like in this nothingness I became everything. The individual sense of identity we require to hold our experience in place did not exist, and so I did not exist. It was like my senses were a mere purview for consciousness, sites and scenes streaming past my perception in the same way the countryside does as you sit in the backseat of a speeding car.
Eventually, I felt some desire to be ‘me’ again. Like I was mentally swimming through molasses, I began to remember the ways in which I define myself. I recalled Liv and my loved ones, how I like to play soccer, my interest in philosophy and psychology. Random memories also returned and, slowly, piece by piece, I reconstructed my identity in this nameless void of streaming subconscious.
As I did this, I felt my sense of self return. Something I realised during this reformation process was just how vital our sense of I-ness is in day to day life. It is the experience that holds us within reality, anchoring us in time and space. To lose this ability is to go through what we call psychosis in psychology and I feel like I now have a grasp of just how difficult life must be for those who go through it.
The ceremony wound down, gentler chants melding with the medicine wearing off until I was clearly in the room again; candle relit and rolling over to look and almost laugh with Liv at what we just went through.
Once again, two other guests said they felt next to nothing - no hallucinations or experiences beyond some vomiting. Our guides explained how the medicine cannot work with blocked pathways and will just get stuck as it tries to work in such systems. Fascinating how two people can take the same thing and have such a spectrum of experience.
The only benefit, in my opinion, of doing something like this, is in what we can takeaway for our lives. Part of the difficulty with using hallucinogenics for self exploration and growth is you can quite easily get stuck in the ‘getting high’ part. Though in the past 20+ years they have become almost synonymous with spirituality, the fact is many people use them to escape their lives, not improve or expand them.
Below are my main takeaways from my experience with Mama Ayuascha in the hope they could be of interest and use to you:
Everything we do is a choice. Whether it is subconscious programming or conscious decision, we are sentient beings who take actions based on volition. This includes our identities, which are not as solid as we may believe. We choose who we are and how we think, which means we have the power to change it too.
The spiritual realm is not some far off place with heaven-like qualities. It is overlaid our own, like blueprints showing different schematics. It is accessed via thought and practices that delve into our subconscious and is not more important than the material world we interact with on a daily basis, but should not be ignored.
We grow personally and spiritually to live more easily. We can so easily fall into the modern trap of trying to consistently “fix” ourselves, a non-stop hamster wheel of self-help and shadow work, without taking pause to enjoy our lives as well. There is a teaching which says at some point, what was the path becomes the obstacle and the distraction and I believe this to be true of spiritual development. Take pause, enjoy where you are and - live!
There was so much in this literal and metaphysical trip, but I have shared with you my core experiences and takeaways. I hope they are useful in someway, and please reach out if you have any questions.
*image displayed by my nearly-wife Liv Lawton (@liv__lawton)
